DAMN IT!
I'm not a watermelon. I am NOT a watermelon!!!!
I'm a mango! MANGO!
(Now, a little back story.)
A while back, Rach and I decided to assign all of our friends fruits that correspond to their various personality traits. Rachel was black cherry, I was a mango, Esther was kiwi... I don't remember the rest. But yeah. There you go.
So I'm visiting Rachel tonight, taking the shots we're going to use to make Jeff, of Iambetterthanu.com, some fan mail. Idly playing word games that have no clear winner. (PS, you're right, it's elephantiasis. Your point). When Rachel says,
"You're not really a mango anymore. You're watermelon."
What the hell? I asked her to explain. Apparently, I stopped being mango when I left the Wildflower.
So, let's examine this. First, a mango.
Mangoes are:
-Fun
-Colorful
-Spicy and sweet
-Exotic
-One of the cooler fruits, that go into only the best fruit salads
-Excellent for drinkies
-If mangoes could talk, it would be in spanish
-And I'm sure they'd say, "F' you" all the time
-A citrus (I think. Tastes that way)
And, contrast that with the watermelon:
-Green on the outside (Green in that negative way)
-Hard on the outside
-Fragile
-Pink on the inside
-Sweet, but bland
-Generic
-Black parts on the inside
-Boring
So why am I a watermelon now? Very unpleasant news. So I've resolved to reclaim my mango glory days, and I have a special plan of attack to do so. But I won't reveal it all now, lest I be foiled by the man trying to keep me down.
However, if you'd like to be a little more specific about how I've gone watery, Rachel the Whore, please do.
Allow me to go grab the list that you wrote me.
...
Watermelon:
+ Commercial.
+ Tough Exterior.
+ Mostly Green.
- Fragile (which I just think is dumb. I mean, its a friggin fruit. All fruit is fragile, and in comparison to everything in that category, it's NOT fragile. You have to crack it open. If you hold it in your hand for too long, it won't bruise, so there.)
+ Bitter Black Seeds
+ boring(bias) Sweet
Ok. Look at the list again. Hard exterior. Fragile is bullshit. Mostly green. Come on, that's half your wardrobe right there. Bitter black seeds, like the tiny bits of bitterness, anger and hate that you carry deep inside? Sweet, when broken into.
How are you **not** Watermelon?
The Mango List:
- Spicy and Sweet (I don't agree with this one either. Mangoes taste like grass. Odd flavored grass. Plus you're not spicy.)
- Large Core (this to me implies a sort of chip on the shoulder personality, which you don't have. I do. You don't.)
+ Colorful exterior (one point only so far)
- flagrant (bias)
- explosions of fun (incredible bias)
- exotic (not really for you. You're very much homemade apple pie)
- spanish speaking (fruit do not speak languages. bias)
Nope. Sorry. Again, it sucks to be so wrong, huh?
Watermelons are fragile, because if you drop them from any height, they break. Where if you dropped the mango, it would bruise a little but still be good.
And of course there's bias to the list. The entire thing is a bias. That's why strawberries are the worst fruit, because their boring, too. Look, the whole point of this is interpreting the fruit. Interpret it's inanimate qualitifies and personify them.
Besides, you're trying to say mangoes aren't sweet. They totally are. They're like, a pineapple that mated with an orange. Or something like that.
Whatever. Conversation = dropped.
I may not be mango, but I'm not watermelon.
Starfruit, anyone?